How To: Have Healthy Conflict (Part One)
Before we jump into the “how-tos” of healthy conflict, let's discuss how we think about conflict. Because how we think about conflict directly impacts how we approach it—if we approach it at all.
For example, suppose you think conflict is a sign a relationship needs to end. In that case, you will either avoid conflict by sweeping things under the rug or exploding on a person who has wronged you and end the relationship prematurely.
If you believe people can't change, you’re likely to not ”waste your time” talking to someone about how they hurt you, or you can even put up with more than what’s reasonable.
If you think that no one loves you or cares about your wellbeing, you’re likely to stay silent and suffer unwarranted harm.
However, these beliefs and reactions are not steeped in biblical truth.
The Truth About Conflict
The Bible not only warns us that we will have conflict in our lives but also prepares us for how to handle it by commanding us over and over to be patient, kind, and forbearing with one another.
God also commanded us to forgive, knowing that one day we'd all have the opportunity to extend the same grace that was extended to us.
The Bible also teaches that in Christ people will change. Not can change, but will. Consider sheepish Moses, who feared he wasn’t a good enough speaker to confront Pharoah. God gave him Aaron as a helper, but if you read Exodus, Moses learned how to speak on God’s behalf without his brother’s help. And what about bullish Peter, slicing off ears in Jesus’ name? In the end, Peter realized Jesus’ call to be a “ride and die” disciple didn’t mean roughing up folks but instead being willing to die to himself for the sake of the gospel and other’s maturity in Christ. He who began a good work in them completed it. So, you’re not wasting your time in confronting your brother or sister about how they hurt you. You’re partnering with God to bring about Christlikeness in them.
And, if you are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, your Bible says you are immensely loved by God and made in his image. This alone means that you are worth being treated with dignity and respect.
Healthy Conflict is Rooted in A Biblical Worldview
Here’s what I’ve discovered about conflict: healthy conflict is rooted in a Biblical worldview that is shaped by the meta-narrative of Scripture—Creation, Fall, Rescue, and Final Restoration.
Creation
The Creation narrative tells us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and it was good. In other words, it was perfection. Humanity lived in harmony with God and with one another, the way God intended.
Fall
However, enters stage left, the Fall narrative. Adam and Eve sin against God. Enter stage right, sin, shame, death, and conflict. God is at odds with humanity because they believed the lies Satan was spreading “behind” his back. Adam was pointing fingers at Eve, Eve at the serpent. Neither taking accountability for their wrongdoing in the situation. Adam goes as far as trying to make himself the victim by blaming God for giving him Eve. CONFLICT! We can only imagine how this moment impacted further conflict in their marriage.
And y’all, it just keeps getting worse. Brothers killing brothers (Cain and Abel). Brother scheming brothers (Joseph and his brothers). Sisters fighting over men (Rachel and Leah). Sons trying to overthrow dads (David and Absalom). Humanity oppressing humanity.
Conflict exists because we live in a broken world with broken people.
Yes, it sucks. But this is our reality. We cannot run from it. And thankfully, because of Christ, we don’t have to.
Rescue and Final Restoration
Christ enters the world to rescue humanity from their sin, it’s conflict-ridden effects and to restore God’s purposes on Earth.
[God] making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth (Ephesians 1:10).
All things means all things. Not just humanity and God, but humanity and humanity. Brothers, sisters, spouses, friends, enemies, acquaintances, etc.
The Two Big “Buts” of the Gospel
You see, there are two big "buts" of the gospel, and each of them alters the course of our depraved history.
The first "but" is a vertical reversal (Ephesians 2:4). Humanity was headed down a path that led to God's wrath (Ephesians 2:3). But God, rich in mercy, reconciled them to himself by grace through faith.
The second reversal is a horizontal one (Ephesians 2:13). This second “but” doesn’t get as much attention as the first, but it is just as important. Its results come from the same cross. The same flesh that justifies sinners before a holy God broke down the dividing wall of hostility. The same blood that brought us near to God brings us near to one another. You can't take God and toss your blood-bought siblings to the side. They are a package deal.
This is the worldview that shapes our ability to move towards conflict with hope.
Moving Towards Conflict in Humility and Hope
With the metanarrative of Scripture in mind, we can move towards conflict with humility and hope. The Fall reminds us that we are all broken and fallen human beings. We all fall short of the glory of God and his harmonious purposes. This reality allows us to extend grace to others. It also calls us to follow Jesus’ instruction and look for the plank in our own eye before we go trying to pull out the speck in the eyes of others (Luke 6:41).
Christ’s reconciling power displayed in the gospel allows us to move toward conflict with hope. Think about it. What do all believers have in common? The Holy Spirit. The same Spirit that convicts you about your sin, convicts others. The same Spirit that is growing you into maturity is maturing others. Though the devil may be busy, the Spirit is busier and has all authority. When we enter conflict with others, we don’t enter it alone. This is true even if the person in front of us doesn’t know Christ. Even then, the Spirit is working.
Reflection Questions
Take a moment to consider the following questions:
How do you generally respond to conflict? Where are you on the fight or flight spectrum?
In what moments or kinds of relationships do you tend to be more of a fighter than a flighter and vice versa?
How does the Creation, Fall, Rescue, and Final Restoration meta-narrative of Scripture correct your unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict?
If you are currently in conflict with someone, how does the meta-narrative of Scripture call you to move forward?
In Part Two, we will get more practical. But before we get to the “how-to,” I felt it was necessary to discuss why we should pursue healthy conflict. Without grounding our “how” in our “why,” it would be easy to give up after a couple of months when it gets hard. Kind of how we treat new year’s resolutions. But fam, we need life resolutions. Amen?
