How To: Have Healthy Conflict (Part Two)
In part one, we covered the “why” of having healthy conflict, now we’re going to jump into the “how-tos.” This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it will help get you going in the right direction.
Make God’s Goals Your Own
In the last blog post, we looked at Ephesians 1:9-10 which tells us that the mystery of God’s will—the grand thing He has been up to since the Fall—is to unite all things in heaven and on earth in Christ. God desires reconciliation and prioritizes it. So much so, that Christ took on flesh to dwell with humanity and died for them to reconcile them to God and one another (Ephesians 2:13-18).
In order to have healthy conflict, God’s goal of reconciliation must be our own. Our goals in conflict naturally tend to be wanting to be right or telling somebody “like it is” so they get their life together, but very rarely does this attitude towards conflict bring about the outcome we hope. Instead, it fosters anger, bitterness, yelling, or distance. We’ve got to check these goals at the door and make our primary goal to do whatever we can to reconcile (Romans 12:18).
Examine Your Heart
Jesus’ brother, James, warns us that oftentimes conflict is the result of idolatry. He writes, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel” (James 1:1-3).
In the midst of conflict, we need to stop and examine our hearts to understand the source of our anger or grief. Did I pop off at homegirl’s lateness because I have an inordinate desire for people to respect my time? Am I responding out of jealousy or fear? Why am I so emotionally triggered by this?
If you’re not good at internally processing on the fly or tactfully expressing yourself the moment conflict hits, you may need to remove yourself from the situation and examine your heart. But, don’t leave the other person out in the dark, just let them know you need some more time to process.
If in taking a moment to process your feelings you discover there is idolatry in your heart don’t take that as a cue to blow off the conversation, especially if a genuine offense has been committed. Instead, enter into the conversation with a better understanding of yourself and a greater sense of humility. Seeing your own sin puts you in a better position to extend grace to others.
Take A Step Back and Believe the Best
As humans, we have horrible memories. When we’re in a crisis, we tend to forget God’s past faithfulness, and when someone does something that triggers us, we can easily forget the ways that person has loved and supported us in the past. We go all bad on them and believe the worst of them.
However, love is always prepared to believe the best of a person (1 Corinthians 13:7). Love takes a step back to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. Love asks, “What else could they have been trying to communicate? Maybe they were just trying to help? Is it possible that they were having a bad day? Could I have said something that triggered them?”
From this place of remembering and trying to see the problem from the other person’s point of view, we are able to enter conflict with more objectivity and grace.
Ask Questions Before You Draw Conclusions
Drawing conclusions before asking questions tends to cause unnecessary harm and make an already bad situation worse. Approaching conflict like this can break trust and foster insecurity in the relationship.
Here’s what you need to remember about yourself to help you to avoid this pitfall: You are not omniscient. You don’t know what’s going on in a person’s mind and heart. You don’t know why they did what they did or why they have become distant. You may have a hunch, but you don’t fully know without asking. Apart from asking questions, you are always working off your own assumptions and projecting those assumptions onto the situation.
Instead, go to your brother, sister, or spouse, believing the best and asking good questions to understand their point of view so you can move towards reconciliation. You may not think they deserve this kind of grace but remember these two things: (1) You don’t either. But God, being full of mercy and love moved towards you with this kind of grace (Isaiah 1:18); (2) This is what it looks like to make God’s goals our own.
There is definitely more to say on this and I’m sure we’ll come back around to this in the future, but in the meantime, share some of the pro-tips you have learned about conflict in the comment section. I would love to learn from you as well.
