How To: Respond To A Friend Who Confesses Sin
Alright. Let’s just get into it.
How should we respond to a friend who comes to us to confesses sin?
Don't panic. Sin is a reality of the Christian life. Don't be shocked that your friend struggles with sin. They ain't got their new body yet! We’re all, yourself included, still growing and changing out here. Don't be that gif where your eyes are bulging out and your hand is on your chest. Chill. Sin is real.
If your friend is a believer, their sin has been dealt with at the cross. They aren’t in danger of going to hell. In Christ, they are righteous and perfect. Hebrews 10:14 teaches us that through his death on the cross, Christ has made perfect forever those who are being sanctified. In Christ, your friend has been made perfect forever. Yet, in Christ, your friend is still being sanctified by God’s Spirit. Don’t panic. Sin, confession, and growth are normative in the Christian life.
Thank them for sharing and being vulnerable with you. Your friend came to you for two reasons: (1) They want to change; (2) They trust you. Thank them for not hiding. Thank them for trusting you.
Affirm the Spirit work in their life. When a person confesses sin, it isn’t a time for condemnation. It’s a time for celebration! Their confession is proof that God is at work in their life. Instead of stuffing their skeletons into a closet, they are bringing them out to the light. Instead of trying to fix their sin on their own, they are leaning into God’s gift of Christian community. This is all worth celebrating because it is evidence that the Spirit is at work.
Ask good questions. Asking good questions requires a lot of wisdom and prayer. You’ve got some folks who will tell the truth, but not the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In these situations, these friends need help coming into the light. To help get them there, ask detailed questions to help d to ensure you understand exactly what they are trying to confess. This is when we need to thoughtfully ask who, what, and when questions and help them to confess their sin outright.
Then there are other times when the details don't matter, and you need to ask questions that help your friend get beneath the surface. This is when we need to ask why questions. Look for clues and patterns to help your friend understand why they did what they did. Questions like:
Why do you think you cussed him out?
What were you feeling at that moment?
Why do you have sex?
What kind of day usually ends up with you watching pornography or playing with dudes’ hearts on Tinder?
You see, we tend to jump to quick fixes and tell our friends, “get this software, join this prayer group, let's be accountability partners, etc.” Now, these aren’t bad things and do have a place in our Christian walk, but they don't help you or your friend get beneath the surface. God doesn't want behavior modification, he wants heart transformation. And heart transformation requires that we go under the hood and try to discover the sin beneath the sin.
Was it loneliness that drove you to homeboy’s bed?
Was it unresolved anger that led you to yell to poop off in Whole Foods?
Anxiety? Entitlement? Jealousy?
What was going on under the hood that caused the car to explode?
Preach the gospel to them. In light of their bad news, remind them of God’s good news. Remind them of the cross that saves and washes them. Pull out your Bible and read verses like Psalm 103:8-14, Isaiah 1:18, Romans 8:1, 37-39, or 1 John 1:9-2:2. Shower them with the grace and love of the gospel. Remind them that Jesus did not come to save the righteous, but the sinner, and that in Christ they have been made righteous by their faith (Luke 5:32, Romans 5:1). Point. Blank. Period.
Ask how you can help. Sanctification (growing in holiness and Christlikeness) is a group project. Ask your friend how you can best come alongside them. Instead of telling them what they need, let them consider this for themselves. Asking them versus telling them will make it easier to hold them accountable later. This also pushes them to “work out their own salvation,” instead of you working it out for them (Philippians 2:12). You can make suggestions, but let them make the final decision.
Pray with them. Run to Jesus together for help. This step models that we can’t live the Christian life on our own. It also a reminder to them (and yourself) that you are not their savior, Jesus is. Have them pray to the God that loves them and accepts them on the basis of Christ’s work. Join them in prayer by:
Thanking God that through His Spirit this sin has come to light.
Thanking God for His Salvation and the righteousness they have in Christ.
Asking God to give them clarity on their heart motivations and reveal the sin that lies beneath the sin on the surface (Psalm 139:23-24).
Inviting the Spirit to help your friend turn from their pattern of sin and asking for the Spirit to give them the power to live life as God intended.
Asking God to give you wisdom on how to best come alongside your friend and to lead you both not into temptation.
This is how we serve one another. This is how we change.
